Summer Shoe Pledge

It's that time of year - summertime. When women are exposing their toes to the world, whether they should be doing it or not. Please read this public service announcement before you do so.

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soap, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

This is my summer shoe pledge to you.

Week 121

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Crowd:: Pleaser
2. Hamburger:: Helper
3. Choker:: Necklace
4. Lights:: Camera, Action
5. Tinsel:: Town
6. Testament:: Books of the bible
7. Best part of the day:: Waking up
8. Election:: Rigged
9. Clarinet:: Woodwind
10. Dead Sea:: Scrolls

Happy Birthday to Me

Today marks an auspicious occasion...my birthday. I officially enter the 30s around 8:00 pm today and will be 31. I guess I could be sad about being 31 except for a few things...

1. I don't look 31
2. MD is 5 years older than me so I will always have someone to be younger than
3. Brothaman is 4 years younger than me but I look younger than him
4. The women in my family age gracefully

I'm blessed to have made it this far. I hope to make it another 31 years and more. Happy Birthday to meeeeeee!!!

Why Parents Go Gray

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes, " whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and even more then a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:




"ME"

Week 118

Here you go with Unconscious Mutterings

1. Android:: R2D2
   
2. Revenge:: Best Served Cold
   
3. Knight:: of the Round Table
   
4. Stranded:: Lost
   
5. Weakness:: Cheesecake
   
6. Greed:: Deadly Sin
   
7. Walter:: Kronkite
   
8. Dense:: Hard-Headed
   
9. Sheep:: God's Own
   
10. Propane:: Grilling
    
    
    

8 weeks and counting

It’s officially eight weeks since I had Squirt. Being the mother of 3 has its challenges but so far so good. So far so good…who am I kidding? As you can tell by my unkymood, I am zombified. Lack of sleep + breastfeeding + 3 kids at home all the time + not eating well = zombified. Despite all that, everyone keeps telling me how good I look. I will say that breastfeeding has helped me shed most of the pregnancy weight. Based on my weigh-in today I am 10 pounds heavier than where I started out. However the dark circles under my eyes must be invisible to everyone else but me. We’ve had a lot going on in the past two months so let’s start at the beginning.

A New House
As of February 23, MD and I own a house. The house we were hoping to get we got and closed on in record time. As of February 26 we had bought our washer and dryer. Consumer Reports came in handy for that. As of February 28 we had moved into said house. Yes, closed on Wednesday and moved on Monday. We used Golan Moving and Storage. I HIGHLY recommend them to anyone moving anytime soon. They were professional and quick and worth the money. So within a week we were living in the suburbs of Chicago.

This particular move is amazing. First of all MD swore he would never live in the suburbs yet when we started looking for a house – seriously looking not just contemplating it – he suggested moving to the suburbs. I wisely kept my mouth shut and asked where. Imagine my surprise when he wanted to move to my hometown. Basically the deciding factor was money goes farther in the suburbs. You get more house out here than in the city. It’s a sad state of affairs but the truth. Considering we needed more space this was very important. We now have a 4BR/2.5BA house with a 2 car garage. It’s not a big house from the outside but it’s laid out well. We have a separate living room and dining room, an eat-in kitchen with wood floors and family room. The yard needs work but that’s because no one took care of it. The yard is definitely something we can tackle together.

We still have boxes to unpack but we make progress everyday. WE HAVE A HOUSE!

A New Baby
We moved into the new house on February 28 and Squirt made his appearance on March 9. As noted he was born at 7:44 pm. We had our regularly scheduled appointment that afternoon and the doctor sent us over to the hospital to be induced. We went home to get my bag. By the time we got back to the hospital around 6 – 6:30 the contractions were coming regularly. I guess Squirt decided he didn’t want to be evicted. This is the 3rd time I had completely natural labor. I feel like superwoman. I breathed through the contractions and when I was at the point where I wanted to ask for drugs I decided to push. I pushed once and he crowned. I pushed again and the head was out. 3rd push and he squirted out – literally. If the doctor hadn’t caught him, he would have fallen on the ground. 3 pushes and no stitches. I was overjoyed. All the nurses were impressed. I was the hero in the maternity ward. We got to go home on Friday – to our new house. I’ll never get tired of saying that.

A New School
Munchkin started kindergarten at her new school and LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVES IT. Every day she comes home and I ask her how school was and she says Great. They have a play at school on Friday and she knew her lines from day 1.

We’ve had a lot of new beginnings in the past few months. Case in point – Munchkin and Squirm just started swim lessons on Tuesday. As if we didn’t have enough to do we have swim lessons, right? MD is loving it. I’m just tired. Pray for us.

Week 114

It's been a minute since I did Unconscious Mutterings but my brain could use the workout so here we go...

1. Horrendous:: Terrible
   
2. Home video:: Not always America's Funniest
   
3. What a girl wants:: Peace and Quiet
   
4. Grounded:: Go to your room
   
5. Trusting:: Blind
   
6. Simplistic:: Easy
   
7. Buzz:: Gossip
   
8. Balcony:: Romeo oh Romeo
   
9. Roar:: Lion's Call
   
10. Hooker:: Economy Call Girl
    

PMS

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!


This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh or men who need a warning!! And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!"

Deep Thought

Many of us think that happiness is found in our circumstances. Our happiness is not found in circumstances, but in ourselves. it is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. happiness is something we are. Soren Kierkegaard writes, "If an Arab in the desert were suddenly to discover a spring in his tent, and so would always be able to have water in abundance, how fortunate he would consider himself; so too, when a man who...is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him." Look no further, God is the source of our happiness. Our happiness is right where we are.

Why Women Are Crabby

Considering I just had a baby, this email was sooooo on time. Enjoy!!
-----------------
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. HearMeRoar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their teen years. Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

It's a boy...

MD and I are happy to announce that Squirt (more on this nickname later) made his appearance on Wednesday, March 9 at 7:44 pm. He weighed in at 7 lbs. 6 oz. and was 20 inches long. Everyone is doing well and resting at home. Big sisters Munchkin and Squirm say thanks to everyone for their kind words and well-wishes.

Consider This...

The most destructive habit......................................Worry
The greatest Joy......................................Giving
The greatest loss......................................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work......................................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait......................................Selfishness
The most endangered species......................................Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource......................................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"......................................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill......................................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease......................................Excuses
The most powerful force in life......................................Love
The most dangerous pariah......................................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer......................................The brain
The worst thing to be without......................................Hope
The deadliest weapon......................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................................"I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith
The most worthless emotion......................................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire......................................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................................Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication...............................Prayer
The most contagious spirit.......................................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!! This is one you'll like. Just click on the word "smile" below and get ready to enjoy.

SMILE

A Resume to be Envious Of

The Resume of Jesus Christ

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications
I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background
I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences
Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background
I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments
I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).
I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here.
You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance

In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart.
In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may God bless you!

Be Careful What You Ask For...

Isn't this something your mother always tells you? You don't think much of it unless you are asking for something and DON'T get it. Considering how MD and I have been truly pursuing buying our house (yes - we think of it as our house because it is) this email was right on time. God always puts things in our lives at the right time for the right reason. For that alone, this little piece is quite interesting. Enjoy!
------
Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it: Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to create conditions in your life.

What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.

If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick.

If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating.

If you keep saying you're always broke, guess what? you'll always be broke.

If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you.

If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed.

If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thoughts will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.

Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action.

Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.

Watch your "Thoughts," they become words;
Watch your "Words," they become actions;
Watch your "Actions," they become habits;
Watch your "Habits," they become character;
Watch your "Character", for it becomes your "Destiny"
GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!

Celebrate Life....There is only One per Customer.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths" - Proverbs 3:6