Stop Telemarketers Before They Start

No funny information today (sorry Yolanda) but more of a public service announcement.

A directory of cell phone numbers will be published soon. The Federal Trade Commission has set up a do not call list. You must call from the number you wish to register. The number is 1-888-382-1222 or you can go to the link below to register your cell phones on line at https://www.donotcall.gov/register/Reg.aspx. The website also has info on how to file a complaint, verify registration and more information in general. It never hurts to be informed.

I'm all about helping the consumer today. Jean Chatzky provides daily money tips. Check out the website for more information on getting on the road to financial security. It's pretty informative. The following tip is for those people out there crying every time they go to the gas station.

The Gas Equation
When I leased my Dodge Durango, I knew it was a gas guzzler. It's big—seating seven—and mighty comfortable. I could handle the fact that it was only giving me (according to the onboard computer) 12 to 13 miles to the gallon when it was costing me only $25 to $27 to fill it up. But when it started costing me upwards of (gulp) $40, I needed strategies to make sure I was getting the most out of every last drop. Here's what you need to do, according to the Federal Trade Commission:

Fill 'er up. Not your tank, but your tires. Keeping them inflated to the proper levels (which you'll find in your owner's manual) will boost fuel efficiency.

Pay for maintenance. Changing the oil, spark plugs, and filters as recommended in your owner's manual can also help your car run more efficiently.

Stop speeding. According to the FTC, driving at 65 miles per hour rather than 55 will increase fuel consumption by 20 percent; Go 75 mph and fuel consumption jumps by another 25 percent. Avoid revving starts as well.

Paying a premium. Finally, make sure you're buying the proper octane gas for your car. Putting premium gasoline in a car that calls for regular won't get you better mileage, but it will cost you significantly more money these days.

Monday Mayhem

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving weekend. I will have a recap later. Until then, enjoy the following funny that I received in my email inbox.

WALMART, IS THE STORE THAT HAS EVERYTHING...
Coming Soon to a Store Near You.....

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Wednesday Wackiness

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hey?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

XYZ PDQ

The aim of this little exercise is to type the letter from the alphabet into your address bar and post the first URL that comes up. This should be interesting.

a: http://www.aaaa.org/eweb/DynamicPage.aspx?WebCode=LoginRequired
b: http://www.babycenter.com/expert/baby/babysafety/9434.html
c: http://www.cantondailyledger.com/articles/2004/11/19/news/news2.txt
d: http://www.deephousepage.com
e: http://www.ebloggy.com/blog.php?username=Kady24&id=1&start=0
f: http://www.freedomsalon.com/body.html
g: http://ginabarge.blogspot.com
h: http://www.haloscan.com
i: http://www.imagesbychrishawn.com/bagolicious/accessorize.html
j: http://jamieslife.blogdrive.com/
k: http://www.keepmedia.com/pubs/Direct/2004/11/01/638673?extID=10026
l: http://www.lestoil.net/bbpg/girls/laur.html
m: http://www.lestoil.net/bbpg/girls/laur.html
n: http://www.nappturality.com/
o: http://www.obamablog.com/index.php
p: http://parklosangeles.hyatt.com/property/index.jhtml
q:
r: http://www.remington-homes.com/floorplans.asp?model=fieldstone&W=rrs
s: http://www.saatchi.com/worldwide/index1.html
t: http://tamsworld.blogspot.com
u: http://www.unkymoods.com/index.asp
v: http://www.verybestbaking.com/recipes/results.aspx?keyword=pumpkin
w: http://web.theparisnews.com/story.lasso?wcd=16894
x:
y: http://web.theparisnews.com/story.lasso?wcd=16894
z: http://www.zinio.com/main?ns=zno

Friday Funny

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said "That M.F. had $500 in quarters!"

A True Friend

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face

The boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...


SO NOW I WILL SAY:
"A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ... WE f*cked up!

Am I Really that Bull-Headed?

Ursula found a quiz that let me know How Taurus Am I. Results are below...

You are 67% Taurus

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

Go Munchkin, It's Your Birthday

It's Munchkin's and Gommie's birthday today. Munchkin is 6. I don't tell Gommie's age. If you want to know, be bold and ask her yourself. At any rate, 6 years ago today at 2:33 am, Munchkin made her entrance into the world. She looked everyone in the face and then cried because she was cold and no one was moving to cover her up. She hasn't looked back since. We will be enjoying ice cream and cake with a Kim Possible motif today at school. Weekend plans are still TBD. She is very excited. Birthdays are and should always be fun days. They should be filled with family, friends and celebration. She is blessed and I'm blessed she is mine. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Munchkin (and Gommie)!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

The most profound thing Munchkin ever said to MD and I was "Mommy and Daddy, I picked you!" It stops and makes you think about the choices and paths God puts us on. He gave us this little life to love and nurture and bring to fruition and it's the toughest and yet most rewarding job we will ever have.

When I got the following email it made me remember that moment. I checked on the validity and for the most part it's true. That's what makes it a little more porfound. Enjoy and have a wonderful weekend.

Jesus and the Mud Puddle

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago. His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad.

The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a lady lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.

Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.

"Mikey, what happened?" Sheriff Marr asked.

Mikey replied, "Well, Papaw, I was fishin' with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin' pole and I didn't get to catch no fish!"

As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and in the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two places. Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine.

Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.

The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.

When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-factly, said, "Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?"

Well," the Sheriff replied, a little startled."Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts."

"No," said Mikey. "I mean Jesus is REALLY real."

"What do you mean?" asked the Sheriff.

"I know he's real 'cause I saw him." said Mikey, still casting into> > the trash can.

"You did?" said the Sheriff.

"Yep," said Mikey. "When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle."

GIVES YOU GLORY BUMPS DOESN'T IT?!

Hot Nekkid Men for Christmas

Ladies (and those men so inclined) check out Rundu for the latest 2005 calendars. I have one from 2003 and I will NEVER throw it away. These men are hot. She not only has classicly posed (and foine) half-nekkid men, but now she has classicly posed (and foine) nekkid men. 2 different calendars for 2005. How is a girl to choose? Talk about a stocking stuffer. He He He (that's my pimp laugh). Enjoy!

Niece

So the girls (Munchkin and Squirm) and I went to visit Niece and Niece Momma (that's the suggested nickname and I'm going with it until further notice) in the hospital on Thursday. Niece is beautiful. I didn't expect less. We don't have ugly babies in our family. Luckily our genes dominate over less desirable genes and cute wins out every time. She is pink with a head full of dark hair. I could attribute her color to the fact that her mother is white. However, we run the gamut of colors in my family and quite frankly I was whiter than she was when I was born. Squirm was about the same color. So we did the ear test. Yes, the ear test. We looked at the tips of her ears to see what color she will evenutally be. It has not failed us yet. She'll probably be tan but only time will tell. I will say this - she sets her mouth like my mother so I only see hilarity in Brothaman's future when he has to deal with the smart-mouth girl. Muhahaha!

Munchkin got to hold her cousin. Niece slept the whole time. I held niece pretty much the whole time we were there. She cried when she got some blood taken. Then she pooped. Nice. Poop on your aunt. So I changed the diaper. It's not like I don't know how. She HOWLED when I changed her. I had to let her know we don't appreciate stinky babies so she needed to suck it up. Yes I talk to babies like they are adults. It works wonders for their development. Squirm can't talk much yet but she understands when I talk to her. She follows directions quite well so don't tell me that just because babies can't talk back they don't understand what you are saying to them.

I got to meet Niece Momma's parents. Of course they asked me a 100 questions. I still say this could have been taken care of months ago, but Brothaman is an ass and it didn't happen. Yes I called my brother an ass. He's my brother, not yours and I can call him whatever I want. I asked for him and he belongs to me. The only thing that pissed me off is that these are the same questions they asked Gommie (refresher: Gommie = my mother). What? They thought we would give different answers? After I answered, it was always, "Well your mother said..." Well if my mother said what the hell are you asking me for? But I didn't get flippant. I smiled and nooded and bit my tongue. My mother taught me to honor my elders even when they ask you stupid and redundant questions. I didn't come visit to get to know you; I came to visit my niece. Please shut up so I can enjoy this time.

The other weird thing is that they call Brothaman by his full first name. The family and close friends all call him by his nickname. No one calls him by his "given name" except teachers, strangers and people he doesn't really like. I didn't say anything but I stored that away for later reference. These people aren't teachers so they are either strangers (duh?) or people he doesn't like. I'm curious to know which. I still need to grill my brother on some things and you can be sure that will be a topic of discussion. That and how those bruises are healing up from where Gommie clocked him several times. You can't say I didn't warn him.

I still haven't talked to Brothaman. When I tried to call him I got no answer. He wasn't at the hospital when we visited. He was at work. I'll have to call him in a few days to see how his little "family" is doing. I know how he's doing. He's not ready. He just got a shitload of responsibility dumped on him and he's not ready. I almost feel sorry for him. But the mean part of me says that if you had been a little more forthcoming with your news you could have had some people help you prep. You wouldn't be caught totally unawares. According to Gommie, something's up. Let's see what the next few weeks hold, shall we?

Week 92

Unconscious Mutterings returns...

1. Small Talk:: Sweet Nothings
   
2. Evidence:: Things Left Behind
   
3. Drifting:: No Anchor
   
4. Hostage:: Human Collateral
   
5. Beauty:: Eye of the Beholder
   
6. Automatic:: Semi-
   
7. Asking for it:: Getting more than you imagined
   
8. Visene:: Get's the REd Out
   
9. No strings attached:: One Night Stand
   
10. Frizz:: Main REason for the phony pony on a humid day
    

Start Spreading the News...

...I'm an auntie. I couldn't believe it myself. Since the family just found out a little over a month ago that my brother (henceforth referred to as Brothaman) and this girl (more on this later) were expecting, we haven't had much time to get used to the idea. Regardless, yesterday afternoon I became the auntie to a baby girl (henceforth referred to as Niece) that weighed in at 7 lbs 15 oz and 21 inches. I seriously doubt that she will call me Auntie or Aunt Ayaba or anything like that. I don't call my aunts or uncles Aunt so-n-so or Uncle this-n-that. I call them by their first names. My girls call them tee-tee and uncle but that's mostly because they are their great aunts and uncles. They do call my brother Uncle Brothaman but that's because he wants to be called that. He loves his nieces and grins like the joker whenever they are around. OK - I have seriously digressed. I say all that to say I will meet Niece tonight when we visit them in the hospital.

I call Brothaman's baby's mother some girl because she is. We don't know her. We've never met her. Brothaman has never mentioned her. I mean I know he has dated and kicked it with several women in the past, but usually if there was some seriousness at least we knew her name and met her a couple of times. This girl - nothing. We wouldn't have even know she was pregnant if she didn't come to my mother and tell her. Yes - she came to my mother's house and told her she was pregnant with Brothaman's baby. I'm surprised my mother didn't explode on the spot. She's a brave girl but she wanted us to be involved. At least one of them has sense because Brothaman is currently lacking. I thought my mom would kill him. She told me she would. I believe she said "I'm going to wring that n*ggas neck. I can't believe he would pull some sh*t like this." My mother doesn't drop the n-bomb lightly and she doesn't usually cuss us. So as a dutiful sister, I warned him to expect bodily harm when she saw him.

I think more than anything my mom was very disappointed. She didn't raise us to be slackers. She taught us to be responsible self-sufficient adults that take care of ourselves AND anyone we decide to bring into this world. She also told Brothaman that she didn't want any girls showing up on her doorstep telling her they were pregnant with his baby. Plus she asked him if anything was going on MONTHS ago and he said no. She even had me call him to see what was going on and he never called me back. She knew something wasn’t right and he acted like everything was OK. So he was just farked all around.

Needless to say, Brothaman decided to tell the family (we all knew the news but this is the big announcement) at a dinner for his birthday. We got to meet her then. I don't think she has any clue what she is getting herself into. We are a pretty crazy family. We love each other to death but we are crazy. You need to know these things before you start just having babies. Hell I had to call my mother just to get the girl’s last name. Like I said, we don’t know her. We don’t know her parents, what their family is like, family history – nothing. We are forever tied to a family that we don’t know – and they don’t know us. It’s very scary.

Ultimately, it’s about Niece. She doesn’t need to know the circumstances that led to her birth. She’s a baby. She will need to be spoiled properly and we are definitely up for that job. Brothaman’s baby’s mother (I need a proper nickname) wanted us involved and she’s going to get more than she bargained for. Brothaman thought it was fun being an Uncle but being Daddy is whole different kettle of fish. A much harder and more demanding kettle of fish.

Life should be interesting for the next few months.

Lamentations

I wanted to write a post about my discontent about the elections results but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was too depressing and sad. tequila mockingbird has been able to channel my feelings into a post that is much more eloquent than any ramblings I would have been able to put together. With that said, I look forward to the next four years with trepidation and realize that while my vote counts it's all of the votes counted together that really make the difference.

Week 91

New round of Unconscious Mutterings...

1. Right now:: Right here
   
2. Halloween:: Trick or Treat
   
3. Provider:: ISP
   
4. Rescue me:: Calgon works on weekends
   
5. Confidence:: I'm good
   
6. Fungus:: Shrooms
   
7. Candy corn:: Peanuts
   
8. Reunion:: Long time, no see
   
9. Winner:: 1st Place
   
10. Tradition:: What We always do