Monday, September 27, 2004

Monday Madness

As an engineer by training, I found this joke particularly amusing.
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

~A~ is for...

g sent me my personality based on the first letter of my name. The results are below. I believe they are accurate and describe me rather well.

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and the challenge of the hunt invigorating. You are passionate and sexual, as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Munchkin Madness

Munchkin has been EXCELLING at school. In the past two weeks alone she has gotten a 100% on 2 math tests, she can write her spelling words down without looking at them and her teacher feels a 100% on her next spelling test is a shoe-in. She is reading everything she can get her hands on and tells me what roadsigns and billboards say. We are currently looking for magnet schools to place her in. We are beyond proud.

/edit/ Munchkin got the 100% on her spelling test. She actually fell asleep reading last night. She is sooooo much my child for that one. /edit/

Friday Funny

One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch. A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet.

After a few moments little Johnny speaks out and says to the lover, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

Little Johnny says, 'You know I have a baseball." The lover says, "Thats nice." Little Johnny says "Would you like to buy it", the lover says "Not really". Little Johnny says "You know my daddy is outside". The lover says "Ok how much?". Little Johnny says 20 dollars and the lover says "20 Dollars!", and then remembers his situation and pays him.

Couple of weeks later, the women has the lover over again and they are upstairs making love when little Johnny comes home unexpectedly. He sees them in bed and goes into the closet to watch.

A short time later the husband comes home unexpectedly and the women tells the lover to get in the closet. After a few seconds little Johhny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", to which the stunned lover replies, "Yes it is".

Little Johhny says, you know I have a baseball glove, and the lover remembering the previous discussion with little Johnny, says "How Much? Little Johnny says 50 dollars. The lover pays the money.

A couple of days later the husband comes home early from work and says, "Johnny get your ball and glove and we will play catch." Little Johnny says "I cant' daddy, I sold them." The husband says "You did? How much did you get for them?" Little Johnny replies, seventy dollars. The husband says, "Johnny, thats not right, you cannot take advantage of your friends like that, and you must go to confession."

The husband marches little Johnny down to the church and sets little Johnny inside the confessional and steps away.

Soon thereafter the priest enters the other side and waits for Little Johnny's confession. After a short silence, little Johnny says, "Dark in here isn't it?", and the priest says, "Don't start that shit in here!"

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Parents - Keep Your Kids Safe

With the advent of the internet and online messaging, parents have to be more diligent. Even if the following story is mostly fiction, a good portion of it is fact. And even scarier, happening to children all over the country. Parents - be aware of what your children are doing and who they are talking to online. This is a good warning to those without children but have nieces and nephews and young cousins and any other young people looking up to them. Be blessed - and safe!
Shannon could hear the footsteps behind her as she walked toward home. The thought of being followed made her heart beat faster. "You're being silly," she told herself, "no one is following you. "To be safe, she began to walk faster, but the footsteps kept up with her pace. She was afraid to look back and she was glad she was almost home.

Shannon said a quick prayer, "God please get me home safe. "She saw the porch light burning and ran the rest of the way to her house. Once inside, she leaned against the door for a moment, relieved to be in the safety of her home. She glanced out the window to see if anyone was there. The sidewalk was empty. After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line.

She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213: Hi I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123: LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL. I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213: Yes and we won!!
GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL
GoTo123: What is your team called?
ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really kewl.
GoTo123: Did you pitch?
ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile...... GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon.
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985 Age:13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall.

Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the seventh grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line.

He had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ball park that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games.

Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back.He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car. Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.

"Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

"Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you." Shannon moved cautiously to a chair across from the man. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today! "Do you know who I am Shannon?" The man asked. "No," Shannon answered. "I am a police officer and your online friend,GoTo123." Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo123 is a kid my age! He's 14 and he lives in Michigan!"

The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to find kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to give out too much information to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. Your name, the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."

Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?" He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?" She nodded.

"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again." "I won't," Shannon promised solemnly. "Will you tell others about this so they will be safe too?" "It's a promise!"

That night Shannon and her dad and Mom all knelt down together and prayed. They thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

Please send this to as many people as you can to teach them not to give any information about themselves. This world we live in today is too dangerous to even give out your age, let alone anything else.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Geography Lesson

Think you know your United States? This quiz aims to see how well you do. I got a 92%96%.

/edit/ If you visit Sheppard Software, you will find many more educational quizzes like this. /edit/

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Public Service Announcement

We're taking a break from our regularly published blog to issue the following announcement:

Ladies, if you want an instantaneous response from your man utter these words: "I'm tired and I want sex." He will IMMEDIATELY stop what he is doing and meet you in the bedroom nekkid. It's 99.9% guaranteed to work for you - unless your man is dead. In that case, 99.5%.

Gentlemen - do not try this on your woman. She will look at you and utter the infamous "And?" Very bad move and could delay any chance for said request for some time.

Thank you and back to our program.

Monday, September 20, 2004

You Know You are Lutheran When...

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:
  1. Lutherans believe in prayer but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
  2. Lutherans like to sing except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
  3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital even if they don't notify them that they are there.
  4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
  5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
  6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make them too proud and conceited.
  7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while "passing the peace."
  8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
  9. Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LC-MS groom make for a mixed marriage.
  10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
  11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church.
  12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keeler stories are totally factual.
  13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole adds too much color.
  14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know when you're a Lutheran when:

  • You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!
  • It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
  • Doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
  • The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.
  • All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia or Augustana.
  • When you watch a "Star Wars" movie and they say, "May the Force be with you," you respond, "and also with you."
  • You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon.
  • And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say "good-bye."

Singing with Lutherans!

I am Lutheran so I find these stories pretty entertaining - and true. If you can't make fun of family who can you make fun of.

By: Garrison Keillor
I have made fun of Lutherans for years--who wouldn't if you lived in Minnesota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn.

We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their constant guilt that burns like a pilot light, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them.

If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively "Lutheranless" place, to sing along on the chorus of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear.

But if you do this among Lutherans they'll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road! Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It's a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage.

It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment.

I once sang the bass line of "Children of the Heavenly Father" in a room with about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished we all had tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: people, these Lutherans, who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

If you laughed while reading this you must be a Lutheran!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Rules from God

1. Wake Up !!
Decide to have a good day.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalms 118:24
2. Dress Up !!
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at outward appearance;
but the Lord looks at the heart."
I Samuel 16:7
3. Shut Up!!
Say nice things and learn to listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant
for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
"He who guards his lips guards his soul."
Proverbs 13:3
4. Stand Up!!...
For what you believe in.
Stand for something or you will fall for anything.
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..."
Galatians 6:9-10
5. Look Up !!...
To the Lord.
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13
6. Reach Up !!...
For something higher.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path."
Proverbs 3:5-6
7. Lift Up !!...
Your Prayers.
"Do not worry about anything;
Philippians 4:6
Remember:God answers Knee-Mail.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Just Say No? You wish!

I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in every thing I do, say, and think.

Those drugs are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place.

Older than Dirt

Thursday, September 09, 2004

A Good Friend Indeed

I got this from a friend and it was RIGHT ON TIME. Partly because of the events of the past couple days and partly because I've been really missing her lately. I don't have very many people I call good friends. Friends that know me inside and out. When I have one, I try hard to keep them because it's even harder finding a new one. So getting this from a friend was like a knock upside the head. Read and be blessed.

Around the corner I have a friend
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friend's face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim.
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.


It's a sad day in the blogging world. Aaron of uppity-negro fame is gone. For whatever reason, he decided that life was no longer worth living. I had the chance to meet Aaron at the Black Bloggers Dinner Party hosted by Ursula earlier this year. It was refreshing to meet other people in person. Aaron was a genuine person, intelligent, soft-spoken but sharp-tongued and witty and I truly enjoyed his company. I'm sad that he was pushed to the brink of life and made the decision that he did, but I'm prayerful that he is in a better place and no longer in pain.

Rest in peace, Aaron Hawkins.

Check it Out

The latest edition of Diversity in Business (dib) is up and ready to read. This month, the marketing section features two women in advertising who are pioneering new ground in their respective areas.

First, we have Renetta McCann, the newly appointed CEO of Starcom Mediavest Group/The Americas, who talked to us about shattering the glass ceiling, and what it will take to promote greater diversity and excellence in advertising. We also talked to Yanti Arifin, Director of Creative Services for Tribal DDB, Chicago, who shared her views on what it takes to succeed in the creative realm.

In the People section, we feature a look behind the scenes of the animated feature Shark Tale, and talked to Dreamworks' Mike Miller, the Head of Effects for the film.

Finally, don't miss the Publisher's Page, which includes a heart-breaking look at teen violence and terror - the war that ISN'T being fought in our country.

Log in to to read the latest edition, and enjoy!