Three old men were sitting around complaining abouthow much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met one day in the social center, and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening and afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

"If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle" thought Claude.

If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose," thought Maude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. But the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"