Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Pregnant Paranoia or Subliminal Messaging?

I mentioned previously that Munchkin's dad (hereafter referred to as MD) and I have been working it out and reconciling. The other night I had this weird/bad dream about him. While I won't include the exact details, the gist of the dream was that he was leaving me for his ex. That this was happening in a couple days and he was telling me now pretty much on his way out the door to spend the evening with her. My reaction was to pretty much snap off. The reason this is sticking with me is because in the dream and when I woke up I just felt ashamed. I handled the situation very badly and pretty much just showed my ass. I mean I was angry and hurt but mostly felt ashamed. I lost control and the situation just went downhill. Obviously I have some unresolved issue(s) but more so I was surprised by my behavior. I think that’s what made it a bad dream for me more than anything.

MD said I shoulda kicked him in the neck. I have a friend I talk to on a regular basis. He provides me with my male perspective on things going on in my life. His take was that "you confronted one of your fears and your true feelings came out. Well at least your dreams reveal the truth. Why are you ashamed that you love your baby daddy?" (Side note: I don't like the term baby daddy. It has a negative connotation and MD is a father. But I got his point). I think this is a good question.

When MD and I broke up previously it was pretty ugly. The fact that we are friends now is grounded in the fact that we started as friends and established a very good friendship before starting a relationship. I'm a firm believer in this notion and this is proof positive that it works. In addition, we are forever tied to each other through Munchkin and are dedicated to making sure she has the best parents possible. The best family possible. We firmly believe we are a family whether he and I are together or not and our children should not suffer because Mommy and Daddy don't get along. Anyway, I digress.

When MD and I broke up previously it was pretty ugly. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Mine more than his because I felt that he went out of his way to intentionally hurt me and I didn't appreciate it (Of course this is my opinion. He might say something different). He has since apologized and I have since forgiven but it's not something you can forget. I will say that it hasn't affected me negatively in my relationships with other people. One person commented soon after the breakup that he ruined me for all men. I responded that he ruined me for him. In light of the fact that we are reconciling, I'm trying to be open-minded about his affection and professed love, but there is that nagging "what if it happens again?" in the back of my head.

I think this has influenced my feelings and my expression of my feelings for him. I'm hesitant about truly letting go and loving him like I once did because of "what if?" The emotional part of me says just do it. You did it before and you can do it again. The rational part of me says "don't play the fool twice." Unfortunately I'm more rational than emotional and now I'm caught between these two halves. I think that is what caused the dream. (Side note: The fact that my hormones are at higher levels than normal probably don't help either.)

Either way I think I'm at a put up or shut up stage. It goes back to my friend's question "Why are you ashamed that you love your baby daddy?" I think the answer is not that I am ashamed. I'm scared. It's hard to let yourself go twice when it was hard to do it once. It's something I'm going to have to work on if I want my relationship to be positive and move forward. It's something that I have been putting off doing because who wants to do the hard things in life? It's something that I need to do now because otherwise it wouldn't be invading my dreams. Especially since at 33 weeks pregnant sleep is a valuable commodity. It's also something I'll have to blog about later cause it's late and I need to get some of that precious sleep.

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